Ron and Cindy were sitting in my office arguing right in front of me. Neither were really listening to the other, but only trying to get their own point across. This is not wholly unusual – it occurs quite frequently in fact. Usually I let it go on for a bit so I can observe how the couple communicates especially in times of conflict. After about five minutes I stopped them and suggested they try something different since they obviously were going nowhere very quickly. Instead of simply reacting to each other, defending their position, and pointing out where the other is wrong, I suggested they…
see periods of conflict as opportunities for discovery. They PAUSED as I shared further. Obviously they both had different perspectives on the given situation. Did they fully understand each other’s viewpoint? Had they given credence to each other’s thoughts? I assumed they both believed the other was an intelligent human being, so why not take time to fully discover what was going on within each other’s heart and mind. It began a whole new way of relating
In reality there is much going on inside all of us, often even beyond our own awareness and understanding. Having someone listen to us – really listen – is a wonderful gift very few really get to experience. When it occurs, doors open leading to deeper insights and new levels of emotional connection. Recently I was on the other side of the couch, so to speak, when a friend was listening intently to some pain I was struggling with in life, and to my surprise I had tears whelming up within just 5 minutes. I had no idea there was that much wrapped up inside of me until he began asking questions and listening!
There are hurts, memories, histories, and stories inside each of us that may never be known unless someone seeks to discover them. When discovered, they are like treasures of great value because of the insights they provide and the opportunity for renewed appreciation for the other – even in the midst of conflict. Cindy could never understand why Ron resorted to shouting when angry; and Ron hadn’t a clue why his wife wouldn’t fight back but instead lock herself in their bedroom. Once to his shock, he even found her hiding in the closet. Only after taking the time to ask questions, and listen well to each other’s history and present day experience of anger did they see. Ron grew up in a family where everyone yelled. And in order to keep from feeling annihilated Ron learned early on, he had to yell back. Cindy also experienced a lot of yelling in her home growing up, and thru an abusive encounter with her father, learned that safety meant running to hide.
I remember an occasion when Zerrin and I apparently forgot the idea of DISCOVERY, which led to some very frustrating yet humorous moments. One day my wife was quiet. I just knew I had said something that had upset her. I didn’t know what to do or say so I just kept quiet and let her be by herself hoping things would “go away.” (Imagine that…coming from a counselor even!) Unbeknownst to me, my wife thought that I was mad at her from the outset of that day and she pulled back to give me space. Finally at the close of the day, one of us asked the other what was going on. When we both found out that neither of us were angry at the other – then we really were mad! Shortly thereafter we laughed at ourselves for how we had carried on.
Whether experiencing moments that are intensely painful or minor frustrations – there are things to discover and learn about the other. It takes time, patience, courage, and love to listen well and discover what is really taking place in the heart of another, but it will breathe new life in your marriage!
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